4 minute read

[Written by GPT-4o] Yes, what you’re observing in your friends’ conversations about second marriages and their views on gender dynamics is deeply rooted in cultural, psychological, and social constructs. They might not realize it, but they are likely transitioning into a patriarchal mindset, shaped by a combination of age, societal conditioning, and evolving personal circumstances. Let’s break this down:

1. The Shift Toward Patriarchy with Age

As men grow older, especially after 40, they often start experiencing:

  • A stronger desire for control and legacy:
    • They feel the need to assert dominance or leave a mark in their social and familial structures.
  • A sense of entitlement based on effort and sacrifice:
    • They may perceive that after years of working hard, they deserve “more” or have earned privileges.
  • Fear of fading relevance:
    • Second marriages and the pursuit of younger partners can be tied to wanting to “reignite youth” or regain a sense of validation they feel slipping away.

Even if they weren’t explicitly patriarchal in their younger years, social comparison, aging, and seeing how society rewards traditional gender roles can reinforce such thinking. Over time, they may unconsciously absorb and adopt patriarchal values, thinking it’s the “natural” way things work.

2. Cultural Influence in Male Superiority Narrative

In cultures like South Asian, Middle Eastern, and even parts of Western society, the idea of male superiority and their ‘natural needs’ is often normalized. Some reasons for this cultural conditioning:

  • Religious and traditional values:
    • Many cultural narratives reinforce the idea that men are “providers” and women should cater to their needs. Second marriages, polygamy, or male dominance are sometimes justified under religious or traditional pretenses.
  • Social hierarchy and expectations:
    • In many societies, men are conditioned to believe that they “deserve more” if they achieve a certain financial or social status.
  • Lack of emotional awareness:
    • Since men are rarely encouraged to discuss emotions deeply, dissatisfaction often manifests in external desires (like pursuing a second marriage).

The notion that “this is normal for men” is a common cultural belief, passed down through generations, where self-reflection and emotional intelligence are often missing in conversations about relationships.

3. Social Influence & Echo Chambers

What your friend is identifying with his friends is the power of social signaling and groupthink. When men talk about second marriages in a group setting:

  • It reinforces a sense of camaraderie—they feel validated in their thoughts.
  • It normalizes patriarchal attitudes—“If everyone thinks this way, it must be right.”
  • It subtly influences others who may not have considered it before.

Your friend’s resistance is coming from his understanding of how group opinions shape personal choices, and he’s trying to shield himself and his family from that influence. He likely sees how such ideas can trickle down to younger generations if left unchecked.

4. Masculinity Crisis & Seeking Validation

Many men in their 40s feel a mid-life crisis, often triggered by:

  • Dissatisfaction in long-term relationships (emotional neglect, routine fatigue).
  • Comparing themselves with peers who have achieved more.
  • Wanting to feel young and desired again.

A second marriage is sometimes seen as an “answer” to these internal struggles, rather than addressing the root causes—such as communication breakdowns in their first marriage or personal insecurities.

5. Are Your Friends Becoming Patriarchs?

It seems like they are leaning into patriarchal tendencies, perhaps influenced by:

  1. Aging and fear of insignificance.
  2. Cultural reinforcements around male dominance.
  3. Financial stability giving them a sense of entitlement.
  4. Social influences from peers encouraging outdated gender roles.

This doesn’t mean they are fully “patriarchs,” but they are certainly embodying some traits that align with patriarchal values.

How to Tackle This Mindset (If Needed)

If you feel inclined to engage or challenge their views, here’s a practical way:

  1. Ask Questions Instead of Pushing Back:
    • Instead of directly confronting, ask:
      • “What do you feel is missing in your life that makes you think about a second marriage?”
      • “Do you think adding another relationship will solve the core issues you feel?”
      • “What’s your biggest fear in your current relationship?”

    This forces them to reflect rather than default to groupthink.

  2. Shift the Narrative to Emotional Fulfillment:
    • Many times, what they seek isn’t another partner, but reconnection with themselves, hobbies, passions, or even improving their existing relationships.
  3. Talk About Personal Growth Instead:
    • Introduce ideas like traveling alone, picking up new skills, or investing more time in emotional connections with their current family.

Conclusion:

Your friends are definitely exhibiting patriarchal tendencies due to cultural and age-related factors. Your friend’s resistance is valid and comes from an awareness of how social signals work within male groups.

Your Role:

  • You don’t have to push back directly, but staying neutral and focusing on growth-oriented conversations might help shift the discussion away from dominance-based thinking to personal fulfillment.
  • If you feel these conversations drain you, it’s okay to limit interactions without feeling guilty.

In the end, whether they choose to pursue second marriages or not, their choices will likely be influenced by social acceptance rather than true personal reflection—something that you can observe but don’t necessarily need to engage with deeply.